What Pain Feels Like (Ticci Toby X reader)

There was one thing in this world that he couldn’t register. One thing he refused to feel.

Pain.

It was so long ago that he was able to feel such… Unsettling senses, that he had forgotten how it felt like. No cut would make him scream, and no injuries would make him cry. Even Jeff’s sharp knife or Laughing Jack’s poisonous candy couldn’t make him feel it. He honestly wondered what it felt like, to hurt and sting and throb.

However, he never longed for it. Pain was just something useless- something that would weaken you when you should be strong. It was a sense that only belonged to soft, delicate beings- and he was most definitely not one. He was a monster- everyone knew that- and no monster should feel pain.  He should be the one delivering it. That was just the way it was.

Well, at least he thought so anyways.

…So why, why was it that he was breathing so heavily right now? Why was it that he was biting his lips so hard, clenching and unclenching his fists like he needed something to go away? Why was it that he was twitching and trembling so hard, as if he needed something to cure him?

Why was it that he felt something tight and unsettling twist in the pit of his stomach? What was this- this white, flashing feeling- this uncomfortable squeezing in his heart? This feeling that closed up his throat and made him shiver from something icy cold?  

What was this? And why?

He felt his legs weaken- and he unconsciously dropped to the ground next to a certain (H/C) haired girl. Her once lively eyes were now blank. Her usually pink  lips were now pale, etched in blue and purple as if covered in frostbite. Her soft skin was stained in blood.

“….No.” He mumbled. The feeling, it was too overwhelming. He… he needed it to go away. He covered his ears with his palms and closed his eyes, trying to drown out the world and that- that sickening feeling, but he couldn’t. All it seemed to do was make it worse.

Something hot and wet sliced down his cheek- and it burned, burned like hell. It was so long since he felt that tingling sensation… And yet, there was more dripping down his eyes. He wanted, no- needed to wipe it away. Wipe the feeling away.

Dry and raw sobs were ripped from his throat. He leaned down close to the female, grasping her hands in hopes of feeling the warmth it once contained. But all he felt was ice. He kissed her lips- but they were dry and unmoving.

“(Y/N)…. No, you can’t-“ He was cut off again by his own sobbing. He clawed at his heart, writhing helplessly like his victims did when he was about to kill them.

Perhaps this was what pain felt like.

Yes, perhaps it was.

This… This sickening, disgusting feeling.

This was pain.

“It hurts… D-don’t leave me, not now!” He cried. But no one listened or responded, no.

Everything around him was so silent and numb. But yet, the sharp, impaling feeling in his gut would never go away.  

This was what pain felt like.